IN THE ROOM #22 – The behaviour you're not getting isn't a skill gap.

This week I almost didn't have a hard conversation with my son.

I had the easier version ready to go. Say something soft, let it pass, keep the peace for one more night. I caught myself mid-sentence and asked what I was actually avoiding. Not the topic. The discomfort of being the one who brings it up.

A few days later I was in a room with an L&D manager talking about why their leadership program wasn't sticking. Same pattern, different room. Their new leaders had the training. What they didn't have was permission to stop doing 100% of their old job while they practised the new one.

Two completely different conversations. One underlying mechanism.

People don't repeat behaviours that are expected. They repeat behaviours that are rewarded.

If delivery gets rewarded and coaching doesn't, don't be surprised when coaching disappears. If harmony feels easier than honesty tonight, don't be surprised when the hard conversation waits until tomorrow.

We keep trying to fix this with more training. Training addresses what people know. It does nothing to touch what the system reinforces.

The honest question: what's one behaviour your organisation says it values, that your systems quietly punish?

Comment "Room" if this reframes something you've been seeing.