Dealing with frustration and highly emotional moments.
Do you sometimes feel like heavy grey clouds are following you around and you just want to explode?
Maybe you want to break down and cry or lash out at someone, or something.
There’s lots of advice on how to deal with these moments. One approach is to get it out of your system by expressing it physically. We can do this through exercise, punching a bag, going for a run, screaming into a pillow, belting a mattress with a tennis racquet (yep, it’s a method), and so on. Essentially, transferring the energy from us to something else.
But we don’t always have the luxury of going for a run or pulling a punching bag out of our back pocket.
Another approach is to simply let it pass. When we tie our frustrations up in things that we can’t control, there is a risk that we react instead of respond, and sometimes this has an impact on other people.
“This too shall pass”
You might be familiar with this quote, from a mildly famous book, I believe. The philosophy of some meditation practices is to simply sit with the sensation that we are feeling in that moment and let it pass. Like anything, it won’t last forever. The sensation of a burn doesn’t last forever, the frustration during an argument or a heated situation doesn’t last forever, and emotions don’t last forever, but what can last forever is how we react to dealing with that emotion.
As Buddhism describes in the practice of Vipassana meditation, the sensations will rise and pass away. Everything rises... and eventually passes away. Thoughts rise and pass away. Pain rises and passes away. An itch rises and passes away. A headache…. you get the idea.
Next time you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, sad or overwhelmed, catch yourself in that moment and create some space to let it pass. Pull over on the side of the road, remove yourself from the room or situation, asked to be excused, and then sit with it and breathe through it and let it pass. Simply focus on the breath.
I wonder if this is what Gandolf was really talking about in the Lord of the Rings.
“but I can't just excuse myself from a meeting…”
Sure, I know what you're thinking – “but I can't always just excuse myself from a meeting or a discussion whenever I feel my internal thermometer rising!” Why not? Tell the party that you just need a couple of minutes to gather your thoughts. Take a toilet break, get a glass of water, feed the meter. Do whatever it takes. If you find yourself in an online meeting and need to take a break, or perhaps you can see that the meeting is going south and someone else needs to take a break, then suggest that the meeting would benefit from being adjourned so you can all come back fresh and clear-headed.
From a strengths point of view, not all of us can think on the spot, particularly under pressure (real or imagined), and this can cause anxiety. Good teamwork and leadership is about acknowledging peoples’ differences, and working with them instead of against them. if you or your team leader is high in #Activator, #Command and #Achiever, there could be a push to reach an outcome on the spot. This doesn't work for everyone, particularly those who have the talent #Deliberative and need time to think things – and options – through. An agenda ahead of the meeting can help with this. And I’m not just talking about the workplace, either. Family budget meetings can get heated, too, and some great advice is to book them in in advance, with an agenda, and an agreement to leave the baggage and the judgement at the door. ‘When the heat is on, back down’ – this agreement works well for many families and teams.
Knowing my talents and strengths has helped me to work with others more harmoniously, by recognising that not everyone wants to make the most of everything, nor might they want to decide on that new thing or even start that new thing straight away. These are known as our talent blind spots. Thinking that everybody wants the same things we do, can do the same things we can and have the same set of filters as us through which they see the world.
You can learn more about Gallup’s CliftonStrengths at Strengths Academy, our division dedicated to empowering people and teams to create success using talents they already have.
Wrapping it all up with five steps to diffusing the moment.
Be strategic – understand your behaviours and talents, and those of who you’ll be meeting with if possible.
Plan ahead – set an agenda, if appropriate.
Observe the sensation – practice self-awareness and be tuned in to your body to notice when you start thinking and feeling those destructive thoughts.
Create some space – Time for a time out!
Breathe – Don’t underestimate the power of the breath. Six deep breathes will calm your mind and your body.
To find out more about the Vipassana meditation practice, or any of the methods suggested above, please get in touch.
Image by me :)